Welcome to the City Different. Now please, stop dating like everyone else.
I have lived in Santa Fe long enough to know two things for sure. First, nobody beats us on green chile. Second, most of us are secretly terrible at dating.
We live in a place where the light hits the adobe at 5 p.m. and suddenly everything looks like a Georgia O’Keeffe painting. We have hiking trails that heal broken hearts and margaritas that numb the bad first dates.
But somehow, when it comes to love, we keep making the same mistakes as everyone else in America. We swipe. We ghost. We settle for less.
I have watched smart, successful friends fall into the same trap over and over. A “situationship” that lasts eight months.
A “no strings dating” arrangement that leaves them crying in a Whole Foods parking lot. Unrequited love for someone who clearly checked out weeks ago.
Enough. We are better than this.
Let’s call the situationship what it really is.
A situationship is not a relationship. It is not “seeing where things go.” It is an agreement to act like a couple while keeping one foot out the door. And honestly? It is exhausting.
I have a friend – let’s call her Sarah – who spent all last winter in one. They cooked dinner together. He helped her pick out a new couch.
She met his coworkers. But when she asked, “Hey, what are we?” he looked at her like she just asked for his social security number.
That is the problem with no strings dating. The strings always show up anyway. You cannot cuddle someone for six months and feel nothing. You cannot share your life with a person and then pretend it means nothing.
Santa Fe is too small for that kind of game. You will run into your almost-something at the farmer’s market. You will see them laughing with someone new at a coffee shop you both love.
The illusion of anonymity doesn’t work here. And honestly? I think that is a gift.
Unrequited love is romantic in movies. In real life, it just sucks.
Let me be blunt. Unrequited love feels poetic when you are twenty. When you are forty? It feels like a waste of good years.
I have done it myself. Pined over someone who gave me just enough attention to keep me hoping. A text here. A like there. An occasional “we should hang out soon” that never turned into an actual plan. It is a special kind of slow torture.
But here is what I finally figured out. Unrequited love is not actually about the other person. It is about you being too afraid to ask for what you need.
So you stay stuck in the maybe. You tell yourself they are just busy. You convince yourself that any attention is better than none.
It is not. No attention is better than breadcrumbs.
The local singles who actually find life-long partners? They don’t wait around for someone to choose them. They walk away from anyone who makes them feel confusing. And that takes guts. But so does being alone forever.
Why no strings dating fails in a high desert town
I talked to a matchmaker here recently. She has been setting up Santa Fe singles for over a decade. She told me something that stuck.
“In New York, you can be casual forever because you never have to see the person again if you don’t want to. In Santa Fe, you see everyone again. The guy you ghosted last month just sat down two tables away from you at brunch.”
That changes things.
No strings dating works when there are no consequences. But we live in a place where the dating pool is more like a pond. You cannot treat people like options and then act surprised when your reputation follows you around.
More and more locals are waking up to this. They are done with the ambiguity. They want someone who knows what they want. Someone who is not afraid of the word “relationship.” Someone who will actually show up when they say they will.
I see it in the events popping up around town. Speed dating nights at local breweries. Singles hikes up in the foothills. Even old-fashioned mixers at places like the Desert Dog (because nothing says romance like pinball and a good beer, right?).
How I stopped collecting almost-relationships and found something real
I am not going to stand here and pretend I have all the answers. I have had my heart properly stomped on more than once. But I did learn a few things along the way.
First, I stopped giving my time to people who made me feel confused.
If I cannot tell whether you like me or not, I assume you don’t. Confusion is not chemistry. It is a red flag painted in beige.
Second, I started being annoyingly honest.
On the second date with my now-partner, I said: “Look, I am not here to waste my time. I want a real partnership. The whole thing. Kids, dogs, arguments about dishes. If that is not what you are looking for, no hard feelings, but let me know now.”
He laughed. Not in a mean way. In a relieved way. Because he wanted the same thing and was also tired of pretending to be cool.
Third, I stopped trying to win over the uninterested.
Unrequited love kept me stuck for years. I thought if I was just cooler, funnier, more interesting, they would finally see me. That is a trap. When someone is truly into you, you do not have to perform. You just have to show up.
The honest FAQ for Santa Fe singles
I have collected these questions from actual conversations with actual humans. Because the internet is full of bad advice from people who do not live here.
Yes. But you have to get off the couch. The apps will make you feel like there is nobody left. That is a lie. There are plenty of great singles over 45. They are just not glued to their phones. They are hiking, volunteering, taking pottery classes, or having dinner with friends. Go where the real humans are.
Stop sleeping with them on the first night. I am not being judgmental. I am being strategic. People who only want casual usually lose interest if you ask for a few real dates first. Let them filter themselves out. The right person will not mind waiting.
Look in the mirror. I had to do this myself. I realized I was picking emotionally unavailable people because they felt safe. You cannot get rejected if you never actually ask for anything real, right? Wrong. You are rejecting yourself by staying in the gray zone. Pick someone scary who actually wants you back.
The only cure is distance. You do not have to be mean. You just have to be gone. Stop watching their stories. Stop going to places you know they will be. Give your brain a chance to forget the dopamine hit. It will hurt for a few weeks. But staying stuck hurts for years.
Yes. And they are not where you think. Try a volunteer shift at the Santa Fe Animal Shelter. Join a group hike from the Santa Fe Mountain Center. Take a cooking class at the Santa Fe School of Cooking. Show up to the same open mic night at Tumbleroot until you become a regular. The key is repetition. You meet people when you stop hunting and start living.
Watch what they do, not what they say. Do they make plans and keep them? Do they call when they say they will? Do they remember small things you told them last week? Consistency is boring in movies. In real life, consistency is the sexiest thing on earth.
One last thing before you go
Santa Fe gives us something most cities do not. Time. Slowness. A sky that forces you to look up.
Do not waste that on someone who makes you feel small. Do not trade a summer of sunsets for a situationship that leaves you emptier than before. And for the love of everything holy, stop romanticizing unrequited love. It is not a novel. It is just a delay.
You came here – or you stayed here – for the magic. Find someone who sees it too. Someone who wants to hold your hand at the Plaza and argue about which breakfast burrito is best and sit with you in silence when the stars come out.
That is a life-long partner.
Not a swipe. Not a maybe. Not a “let’s see where it goes.”
A real one.
Go find them.
