So You’re Tired of Being Single. Cool. Let’s Fix That
I’m not going to tell you that being single is a magical journey of self-discovery where you learn to love yourself so hard that a man materializes out of thin air.
Because that’s not how it works.
Being single is fine. Sometimes it’s great. You eat what you want. You go to bed when you want. You never have to watch someone else’s boring show.
But then you hit a point. Maybe you’re at a wedding. Maybe you’re sick and there’s no one to bring you soup. Maybe you’re just really tired of explaining to your grandma that no, you haven’t met anyone yet.
And you think: I want a boyfriend. An actual one. Not a situationship. Not a guy who texts at 11 PM. A real boyfriend.
I write about dating for a living. I’ve talked to so many single people my head spins. And the ones who actually escape being single? They don’t get lucky. They get smart.
Here’s how.
1. Stop Lying to Yourself About Why You’re Single
I need you to do something uncomfortable.
Look in the mirror and ask yourself: Why am I actually single?
Not the cute answer you give your friends. (“I just haven’t met the right one!”) Not the bitter answer you give yourself after a bad date. (“All men are trash.”)
The real answer.
Maybe you’re scared. Maybe your parents had a terrible marriage and you’re subconsciously avoiding commitment.
Maybe you keep picking the same unavailable guy over and over because it feels familiar. Maybe you have a list of requirements that no human could possibly meet.
I talked to a matchmaker once who said something that stuck with me. She said most people aren’t single because there aren’t good people out there. They’re single because they’re in their own way.
That hit hard.
So get honest. Write it down if you have to. What’s actually going on? Until you answer that, you’ll keep doing the same things and getting the same results.
2. Throw Away Your “Type”
I have a theory. “Types” are just trauma with a costume on.
Think about it. If your “type” is emotionally unavailable men who keep you at arm’s length? That’s not a type. That’s a pattern. And it’s not serving you.
If your “type” is guys who love bomb you for two weeks and then disappear? Also not a type. Also a pattern.
Here’s what I’ve learned from watching my friends date (and dating myself). The best boyfriends are often not the ones who make your heart race on the first date. They’re the ones who are kind of… steady. Boring, even. They text back. They show up on time. They don’t make you guess.
That’s not sexy in a movie. But in real life? It’s everything.
So throw away your list. The height requirement. The job title. The specific hair color. Keep the stuff that matters: kindness, humor, similar values. Everything else is just decoration.
3. Get Off Your Phone and Into the World
Here’s a depressing stat I ran into while reporting. Most people meet their partners through friends, work, or school. But most of us spend our free time staring at our phones.
See the problem?
You cannot swipe your way into a boyfriend. You can swipe your way into a thousand first dates that go nowhere. But a boyfriend? That usually happens when you’re actually living your life.
So here’s what I tell everyone who asks me for advice.
Go to the same coffee shop every Saturday morning. Become a regular. Talk to the other regulars.
Join something. A run club. A book club. A climbing gym. A pottery class. Something where you see the same people over and over again.
Say yes to invitations you’d normally skip. Your coworker’s birthday party. Your neighbor’s BBQ. That thing your friend keeps inviting you to that you always blow off.
And here’s the hard part. Put your phone away when you’re there. Look up. Make eye contact. Smile at people. It feels weird at first. Do it anyway.
One guy I interviewed met his girlfriend because he dropped his keys on the subway and she picked them up. That’s not an app. That’s just life.
You have to be in life to meet people.
4. Learn to Spot a Situationship Before It Eats Your Soul
I hate situationships. Hate them.
Not because casual dating is bad. It’s not. Sometimes a hookup is exactly what you need.
But situationships are different. They’re relationships without the title. You do girlfriend things. You sleep over. You meet his friends. You text every day.
But when you ask “what are we?” he says he’s “not ready for anything serious” or he “doesn’t want to label it.”
And then you wait. And wait. And wait.
Here’s how to spot one before you’re in too deep.
If he only wants to see you late at night? That’s not a boyfriend. That’s a booty call.
If he’s never introduced you to his friends? That’s not a relationship. That’s a secret.
If you feel confused about where you stand more than you feel secure? That’s not love. That’s a situationship.
And here’s the rule I live by now. Three months. If after three months of seeing someone regularly, we can’t have a clear conversation about what this is? I’m out.
You should be too.
5. Stop Trying to Be the “Chill Girl”
I spent way too many years trying to be the chill girl. The one who never asks where this is going. The one who doesn’t get jealous. The one who’s fine with whatever.
You know what that got me? Nothing. Literally nothing. Just a lot of nights wondering why he wouldn’t commit.
Here’s what I figured out. Being chill doesn’t make someone want you. Being clear does.
The women I know who have boyfriends? They’re not chill. They know what they want and they say it. Not in a scary way. In a normal way.
“I’m looking for a relationship. Is that something you’re open to?”
“I really like you. I’d like to see where this goes. How do you feel?”
That’s not desperate. That’s direct. And directness is attractive because it saves everyone time.
So stop pretending you’re fine with casual when you’re not. Stop acting like a girlfriend to someone who won’t call you one. Stop being chill. Start being honest.
6. Date Like You Have Options (Because You Do)
This one’s going to sound a little harsh. But I mean it nicely.
Stop obsessing over one guy who hasn’t even committed to you.
I see this all the time. A woman goes on two good dates with a guy. Suddenly he’s the only person in the world. She stops swiping. She stops talking to anyone else. She’s basically planning the wedding in her head.
And then he ghosts. And she’s devastated.
Don’t do that.
Until a man says “I want to be exclusive with you,” you are single. Act like it. Keep dating other people. Keep your options open. Not because you’re playing games. Because you’re protecting your own heart.
And here’s something interesting. When you have options, you act different. You’re less anxious. Less needy. More confident. And that confidence? It makes you more attractive.
So keep your roster full until someone earns exclusivity. That’s not game-playing. That’s self-respect.
7. Do the Boring Inner Work That Everyone Avoids
Okay. I’m going to say something you’ve heard a thousand times.
Work on yourself.
I know. I’m sorry. But I have to say it because it’s true.
Here’s the version no one tells you though. Working on yourself doesn’t mean getting a six-pack or a promotion or a perfect skincare routine. It means dealing with your emotional stuff.
Why do you chase people who don’t want you? Why does stability feel boring to you? Why are you attracted to the same wrong person over and over?
Those aren’t dating problems. Those are therapy problems.
And until you solve them, you will keep picking the same wrong people. Not because you’re unlucky. Because your picker is broken.
I’m not saying you need to be perfect before you date. No one is perfect. But you do need to be aware of your patterns. And you need to be willing to change them.
That’s the work. It’s boring. It’s hard. And it’s the only thing that actually works.
Beyond the Bedroom Door: A Psychologist’s Look at the Modern ‘Hookup’
How to Have a Casual Relationship Without Getting Hurt: 7 Simple Rules
FAQ: Stuff You Actually Want to Know
There’s no magic number. But I like the three-month rule. If you’ve been seeing someone regularly for three months and you still don’t know where you stand? Ask. His answer will tell you everything.
Look at the story you’re telling yourself. Are you presenting yourself as casual fun or as girlfriend material? Also, stop sleeping with guys before you know what they want. If a guy disappears because you didn’t sleep with him on date two? Good. He just took himself out.
Not necessarily. But change how you use them. Swipe less. Meet faster. And don’t spend hours texting someone you haven’t met. That’s how you fall for a fantasy.
Everyone feels awkward. That’s the secret. The people who seem confident? They’re just better at hiding it. Start small. Smile at someone. Say hi to a stranger at a coffee shop. The more you do it, the easier it gets.
No. Until you’ve had the exclusivity talk, you’re both single. Just be honest about it if someone asks. Lying is the problem, not dating around.
Then good news. That means you can fix it. If the problem was everyone else, you’d be powerless. But if it’s you? You can change. Therapy helps. So does honesty with yourself.
Sometimes. But don’t bank on it. If you want a boyfriend, look for someone who also wants a boyfriend. Don’t try to convert a hookup. That’s like buying a cat and hoping it turns into a dog.
Final Word
Look. Getting a boyfriend isn’t rocket science. But it’s also not magic.
It’s about being honest with yourself. Being clear about what you want. Showing up in the real world. And refusing to settle for less than someone who actually wants to be with you.
You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be ready.
And if you’re reading this? You probably are.
Now go do something. Update your profile. Go to that coffee shop. Text that friend back about the party.
The worst that happens is nothing changes. And the best that happens? You meet someone who makes you wonder why you waited so long.
