What is Dating and Why is it So Difficult?

It’s a good question. The whole thing feels broken. People are frustrated, exhausted, and honestly kind of over it. But they also don’t want to be alone. So they keep trying, keep swiping, keep hoping something will be different this time.

Let me tell you what I’ve learned.

So What Even Is Dating Now?

Here’s the simple definition. Dating is getting to know someone to see if there’s a romantic connection. That’s it. Nothing more complicated than that.

But somewhere along the way, we lost the plot. Dating became less about connection and more about performance. We turned something that should be natural into a game. Swipe, match, chat, ghost, repeat.

Here’s something I tell my clients all the time. Dating isn’t about impressing anyone. It’s not a job interview. You’re not trying to win a prize. You’re trying to figure out if you actually like this person and if they like you back.

Sounds obvious, right? But most people don’t actually operate that way. They show up trying to be who they think the other person wants. They hide the parts of themselves they think are unappealing. They perform. And then they wonder why nothing feels real.

Why Is This So Hard?

Too Many Options

Here’s something that seems backwards but isn’t. Having more choices actually makes it harder to choose.

Dating apps give us access to more people than we could ever meet in person. That sounds like a good thing. But what happens is you’re always looking for someone better. There’s always another profile. Always another match. Always a potential upgrade.

I see this in my practice all the time. People with dozens of matches who can’t commit to a second date. People who cancel plans because something better might come along. They’re not picking anyone because they’re afraid of picking the wrong one.

The Burnout Is Real

Dating apps were supposed to make things easier. Instead, they created a cycle of disappointment and exhaustion.

I’ve had clients describe it as “fatigue.” They start out excited, hopeful. Then over time, the excitement fades. Every date that goes nowhere chips away at them. Every ghosting stings a little more. Eventually, they’re just tired. Tired of trying. Tired of hoping. Tired of being disappointed.

Nothing Is Clear Anymore

Modern dating is all ambiguity. Ghosting. Breadcrumbing. Situationships. Orbiting. All these terms for people not being straight with each other.

I’ve had clients tell me they’d get excited about a date, only to learn that date didn’t mean anything. Even agreeing to meet doesn’t guarantee anyone will actually show up. Situationships end with ghosting. Nothing is clear. Nothing is certain. Everyone’s just trying to keep their options open while figuring out if something better is out there.

The Situationship Trap

This one’s everywhere. A situationship is that gray area where you’re seeing someone but nobody’s defined what you’re actually doing.

You’re getting some of what you need. But you’re also keeping yourself unavailable for something that might actually be right. You’re holding onto someone who isn’t really holding onto you.

I’ve had clients waste years in these things. Years. They knew it wasn’t right. But leaving meant starting over, and starting over felt impossible. So they stayed.

Here’s what I tell them. Staying in a situationship doesn’t protect you from being alone. It just keeps you from finding anything real.

The Unrequited Love Trap

This one breaks my heart every time. Unrequited love is painful no matter where you are. But in a small town like mine, it’s brutal because you can’t escape.

I had a client who spent a year and a half hoping her best friend would finally see her as more. She changed her whole life around him. Went to everything he went to. Said yes to things she didn’t even like. She was always there, always available, always hoping.

He never saw her that way.

Here’s what I’ve learned about this pattern. Pining after someone who doesn’t want you back is a way of staying safe. There’s no real rejection because you never actually put yourself out there. But there’s also no chance of finding anything real.

Playing Hard to Get Doesn’t Work

We’ve all been told that playing hard to get is the way to win someone’s interest. But it usually backfires.

In dating, people confuse “easy to get” with “nobody wants them.” So playing hard to get seems smart. But if you overdo it, you just seem unavailable or uninterested. And nobody wants to chase someone who seems like they don’t care.

The Fear Factor

Dating makes even the most confident person feel uncertain and vulnerable. You’re wondering if they like you back. You’re worried about being too much or not enough. You’re concerned about your body, your chemistry, your everything.

A lot of people go into a date thinking this might be “the one.” They’ve built up this fantasy. They’re hoping this is their last first date.

Here’s what I tell them. You wouldn’t go to a party expecting to meet your best friend that night. Why would dating be any different?

What Actually Works

I’ve seen what works over the years. Here’s what the people who found love did differently.

Say What You Want

This is simple but hard. Say what you’re looking for. If you want a relationship, say that. If you want no strings attached dating, say that too. The right people won’t be scared off by honesty. The wrong ones will leave, which saves everyone time.

Stop Performing

Just be yourself. I know it’s cliche. But it’s true.

Dating isn’t about getting as many people to like you as possible. It’s about finding one person who likes the real you. If you go out with someone and it doesn’t click, that’s actually a success. You figured out you’re not a match.

Keep It Simple

Here’s my rule for a second date: Did you have a good time? If yes, see them again. Don’t overthink it. Don’t worry about whether they’ve been single too long or not long enough. Don’t worry about whether they like you enough or too much. Just keep it simple.

Don’t Waste Time Texting

Don’t spend weeks texting and building up a fantasy version of someone. Meet in person. That’s where you actually figure out if there’s chemistry.

Learn From Every Date

Every person you date teaches you something. What you like. What doesn’t work for you. What you need. What you won’t tolerate. Dating is learning.

When to Get Help

Sometimes the problem isn’t the dating scene. Sometimes it’s something deeper.

If you keep choosing unavailable people, that’s a pattern. If relationships bring you more stress than happiness, that’s worth paying attention to. If you’ve lost interest in things you used to love, that’s a sign. If you notice family patterns showing up in your love life, it might be time to talk to someone.

Therapists are everywhere now. Many do virtual sessions. Getting help isn’t weakness. It’s being smart.

Final Thoughts

I remember a client telling me about a first date that was just easy. No games. No performing. Just two people genuinely curious about each other.

That’s what works. Show up as yourself. Be honest. Trust yourself.

Whether you’re stuck in a situationship, considering no strings dating because it feels safer, or working through unrequited love, the path forward is the same. Be honest. Be kind. Show up.

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